Dear Readers,
This column is not meant to be sacrilegious. It is simply a way for me to present my memories of the wrestling business in a humorous fashion. I hope you enjoy it.
--Tinker Todd
Blessed are those who want to be wrestlers, strong of body, but weak of mind.
Blessed art those who shalt have their shoulders pinned to the mat, for they shalt be called Carpenters.
Blessed art those who get into the business and can't wrestle. They shalt be known as the Brothers of Pain and shalt get the hell kicked out of them for many generations.
Blessed are those who dwell in Tennessee, for they truly will starve.
Blessed are those who receive not silver or gold, but accept copper only.
Blessed are those who work within the ring, also known as the altar.
Blessed are those who throw a punch to their opponent, and take fifteen back with a smile on their face.
Blessed art those who sweat in the ring, for their perspiration shall bring discomfort to their opponent.
Blessed are those who do not break wind on the altar known as the ring, for this will bring much discomfort to the referee.
Blessed are those who are gay, for their eyes will be delighted in many dressing rooms.
The brethren shall go to the Temple of the High Priest, and like the sheep, they shalt be fleeced.
Should the High Priest beseech you to go twenty minutes, thou shalt go the full twenty plus forty, much to the delight of the brethren that you will be wrestling.
Thou shalt enter the ring with reverence, but fear not to tread upon that altar with confidence, for it is secure, made of cement and iron.
At the sound of the bell, you shall go to the center of the ring, calmly and lightly laying your palms upon thy brother's breast. Carry out your actions with ease and with gentleness, and your brethren will gently to the canvas go.
As you drop to the canvas, thou shalt circle your brethren's head with thy legs. Apply no pressure, no pain to your brethren. Stay loose and make thyself comfortable.
When the bell resounds, you shall come forth to be placed in the hands of the Unbelievers and be sacrificed like a lamb. Be wary of them, for the Unbelievers are of the tribe of Shooters, and will undertake to get into the ring and beat your ass. The Brothers of Pain will vainly attempt to fight these enemies, but will not prevail.
If thy opponent should strike thy right cheek, turn to them the other.
The Unbelievers shalt live on steak, kosher pork shops, beer and wine, while the Brothers of Pain shall live on bread, bologna and sardines in expectation of the reward that is to come.
A curse upon those who throw a hard punch and bring false blood.
Thou shalt take thy brother home and not charge transportation, but supply him with Kentucky Fried Chicken, beer and cigars.
Never a lie should cross your lips, as your lips have been purified when they touched the bottom of Jim Crockett and others of the order of High Priest.
A secret sign of blessing shall be made to the High Priest by all wrestlers. The sign is to be a clenching of the fist, with the third finger erected. From a level below the waist, they shalt bring it up twice and point it in their direction. Upon this sign, there shall be screams of joy and delight from the multitude. The sacred sign will bring the demons of anger out of the High Priests.
Should the High Priest feel that you are worthy of your hire, he shall pay you not in silver and gold, but instead in copper. He will give thee in thy hands fifteen packets of one hundred copper, which thou wilt decline, with love in thy heart towards your master, and accept but five packets.
Thy name will go across the lands to other High Priests, and they will think a lot of you.
After forty years of wandering, the Brothers of Pain shall go to the south and lay down in the kingdom of Cowboy Luttrall.
